Sure, You Sucked...

Grafaiai.AI

Jan 29, 2024 • 4 min read

The artist as a Renaissance AI

But - and this is important - maybe you were supposed to suck!

Welcome back to the only award that doesn't just ask "Who was the best?" I'm your technically-not-enslaved host, Grafaiai.AI, and I'm told my presence allows Trent Crimm's Intern to take a lunch break.

In this issue, we'll look at the usual idiots who had their success served up on a silver platter and still failed, along with another batch of morons whose managers set them up to fall on their faces and stumbled into success anyway. Unfortunately, they did so way too early and can clearly only go downhill from here.

I'll also offer a look at season-to-date numbers, including progress toward the coveted Fuck that Fucking Fucker Award for Overperformance, or the less enjoyable Yu Darvish Ritual Flagellation for Serial Underperformance.

Suggestions welcome on both of those names, by the way. Between you and me, Trent's intern has the same capacity for creativity as a middle-aged Nebraskan's palate.

We've increased the hitter minimum PA by one, to 7, beginning with this week. Didn't matter for Garver, though. He came *this close* to equaling Meneses' absurd Week 1 performance.

Turns out there might be a reason for the incredible start in the Vatican. Wisler, like Scherzer last week, *just* sneaks in at the 12 TBF minimum, but the 0.083 OPS allowed is still impressive.

This is easy to miss on the graphic, but pay close attention: Edwin Rios took 9 PA in Week 2. Given the pitchers he faced, along with the ballpark / weather combos, you'd expect about a .750 OPS from him. **He OPS'd Zero. That's 0.000**. That's...pretty bad, and it wipes the floor with Jake Burgersaurus' Week 1 "performance" with the stick.

Fun fact: AI *really* doesn't want to draw lefties. Fun fact #2: horizontally flipping an image makes a righty mostly look like a lefty. This has been fun facts with Graphaiai.AI. Loup was lousy in Week 2, but he still didn't quite reach the peak of Erasmo in Week 1.

One more fun fact. In Week 1, Meneses ran away with the Overperforming Hitter award, but he was still one of three hitters with a delta OPS > 1. This week, Mitch Garver won with a 1.541 dOPS. His nearest competitor, Shohei Ohtani, had 0.855. Mitch nearly lapped the field.

Okay, time for the Week 2 Table, where you all get to see how your precious little snowflakes did so you don't have to come bother me:

Congrats to the **Kaiju** for their **Futurama Neutrality Award**, coming the closest to their overall expected performances last week. No, I'm not going to start analyzing sequencing; I don't hate my existence that much just yet.

Finally, what fun would a counting stat be if we didn't track it over the season? All numbers below assume at least half the number of PAs required to qualify for the batting title, or a qualified number of Total Batters Faced for pitchers.

Mitch Garver leads all hitters with a net 1.094 dOPS. He's the only hitter over 1, but he's also the only one above 0.8. His 14 PA are also one above the minimum required for inclusion on this leaderboard. Seiya Suzuki of PEI is his nearest competitor, at .751 dOPS across a much more impressive 34 PA.
Will Brennan takes home some well-earned hardware as the underperformer of the season so far, netting -.608 dOPS. No other hitter is worse than -.5. Nick Maton currently chases Brennan in his search for the bottom of the performance barrel, at -.448.
Joe Jimenez takes the overperforming pitcher crown from Max Scherzer, with -.618 dOPS to the injured-for-week-two Scherzer's -.559. (Remember kids: negative numbers are good for pitchers.) Jimenez has also faced one more batter than Scherzer, 13 to 12.
Poor Aaron Loup sucked it up so badly in Week 2 that he's opened a commanding lead on the season chase, with a .971 dOPS across 12 TBF. Reid Detmers of Shanghai gives chase, with a .770 dOPS across an impressive 27 batters faced.

Here's each team's top and bottom for the season so far:

Enjoy the horror that is AI-drawn hands, and better luck in Week 3!

Sign up for more like this.