First Half Health Check

Good morning. Welcome to Socc's Health Institute of Teams. I'm the head of the corporation here, and I see you've brought a whole league's worth of teams for me to examine. I am no medical doctor, but I am trained in noting the health and symptoms of baseball teams. Now, let's see which one of you is willing to come up first.

Ah, the Angels. Managed by Ryan, sixteen and twenty-eight, seven games back from the wildcard spot. Let's see what symptoms you have...

Oh, dear. Those are quite a lot of bruises sustained to your defense. Margot, Wong and Fletcher...it seems you have a case of injury bug. Not only that, but you seemed to have acquired Phillies bullpen disorder (PBD) from Blake Parker. This really isn't a good sign with your record. My diagnosis would be to try and build upon your relievers and put more use through your strong arms and tate muscle rather than pulling a blake or spraining a May joint.

Overall Level of Concern for VA: Grim. Next!

Now for the Bandits. Ah, how I've missed seeing you...twenty-three and twenty-one, managed by Reed, and you seem to have something stuck in your throat.

Ah, the eighth seed. This does put you at a strong risk of choking, though you do seem to have an acuity in your right eye. I understand this, though. You have great vision and power through your other side and it is clear that you have an identity ready for your future. I am a bit worried about how full that stomach is, however it does seem like your minor league is helping those ailments. I would not prescribe you anything right now, though if you do suffer from utility issues or pen troubles, do come see me.

Overall Level of Concern for LV: Low-Moderate. Next!

The Birds of War! An old friend. Managed by the man known as Mcast, twenty and twenty-four, three games back from the wildcard.

Oh, dear me. This Mookie Betts seems to be caught in your designated hitter role. Now, I know you may look at that e13 and wince, however I really do think that he is better spent in the field than as a platoon. Otherwise he is occupying too much space elsewhere. Of course, I do see this Bryce Harper you have here...hmm, yes, you may be suffering from outfield clog. I am certain you can find somewhere to offload this, because it does seem to be affecting your offensive tract, though I would understand keeping it the way it is, though it may affect your long-term future. I see Jacob deGrom is as healthy as ever, too. Be sure to keep it that way. However, the rest of that staff...I'd look after it. There seems to be a lot of bruising.

Overall Level of Concern for PBW: High. Next!

Oh, it's this fucker. The Black Bears. I'm not even going to bother with this assessment, I can see the needles from here.

Overall Level of Concern for WV: Negligible. Next!

The Black Diamonds - always an intriguing one to analyse. .500, as always, and only one game back. Hmm, improvements over last season.

Ah, I see, you've developed a smallball here. Not exactly good for someone of your body type, but...oh my, your pitching era is rather swollen. The left arm looks healthy, but the right arm looks flimsy. I hope you haven't been playing too much table tennis, but even then it seems like there's some trouble. Your hitting on the other hand, has seen marked increases in its strength and development. There may be hope for you yet. Just try and avoid too much salt in that diet.

Overall Level of Concern for SBB: Average. Next!

The Bovines. Same as always, I see. You've concocted up your own brews and decided to add high octane fuel into that cocktail. I'm sure your launch angle is very happy. I'm uncertain on how this is, but I do worry about your depth. If you encounter any form of lung damage or issue with your pitching, then you may find yourself in a very bad spot. I don't want to see you huffing about it if it does come up - after all, you were able to establish Joey Gallo last season. Hopefully you can avoid any gloom on that front again.

Overall Level of Concern for MKE: Moderate. Next!

The Drillers. Oh, my...those scratch marks you have. That is not what a small ball should look like...and your pitching. Dear lord, you may be suffering from an implosion soon due to all this damage. You don't just need a checkup, you need life support at this point. I can't prescribe you anything, I don't have the clearance for that. You'll need to see a professional. Dear lord, there's so much wrong here I can't even--over four hundred hits!? That is a battering beyond belief.

Overall Level of Concern for DAL: Crisis. Next!

Hopefully I don't have to deal with them again...oh, it's Jack and his--what are you now? Ah, right--Flamingos. Let's see here...your swapping is incredibly high, again, that's unsurprising...your rotation seems to be acting up, and I...can't see an offense there. Well, I suppose it can't be helped. By the time you leave, half these symptoms may be replaced by a dozen new ones. I can't assess you properly, either. This needs a different sort of attention. And not one that involves copious amounts of drugs and alcohol.

Overall Level of Concern for FF: Very Grim. Next!

Jakarta!? My word...you seem to have caught a case of the Cosa virus. Your pitching...oh dear, I've never seen anything like it. What happened to you!? What was this philosophy you've broken!? This is entirely different...I hope you can feel better soon. I'd prescribe improving defensively and acqu--you're spending THAT MUCH on that offense!? You're not changing it? ...I suppose it can't be helped.

Overall Level of Concern for JJG: High. Next!

The Kaiju. Well, you seem healthy on all the usual metrics. The pitching looks very good, the offense is solid, the fielding...I see you're struggling with that slightly. Well, I don't think this needs any prescriptions from me. You seem like a perfectly healthy team poised to make a playoff run, especially with those bullpen arms you keep hiding. We'll see how that goes, but I'll expect to see you in that big bracket.

Overall Level of Concern for TK: Very Low. Next!

I'm running low on time, so I'll have to speed through this. Los Muertos...this is your pitching rotation? And...oh, wow. This is very interesting the way you've set things up here. I like it. I have no complaints about this. It looks a little fragile, but it shouldn't be anything to worry about too much for the next few months.

Overall Level of Concern for LMM: Mild. Next!

The Moose...what on earth is this? This is a hodgepodge of a pitching staff. Something needs to be sorted out there. I like parts of this offense, but it feels like you have a clog at first base and a huge drainage in the outfield. Perhaps you can contact...wait, no, I think he has that sorted, there's that Boom fellow or whatever his name is. Well, you are slightly off, and...well, it's a dark moose look here, I have to say. Best of luck to you.

Overall Level of Concern for YKN: Uncertain. Next!

Two thirds of the way through, and now it's you two parrots. This KeBryan Hayes looks like damaged goods. So does this Rafael Devers. You should trade them both--no, I'm just joking. This is interesting...your pitching staff looks good on the surface, but looking deeper I can see a leakage there and your offense...well, I think the less said on that, the better. Hopefully that works out better for you than Charlie Blackmon did. Dear me, remember when he was your best...?

Overall Level of Concern for SPP: Severe. Next!

The Questants. This seems like a much better look than that mafia role you took on. You seem to have set yourself up nicely, though that pitching staff still seems to have that same issue. Not terribly surprising, in truth, but it is something I wouldn't want to try and nurse through a playoff run. All I would hope for is that you don't have that offense run dry at some point. Who knows what happens then.

Overall Level of Concern for QC: They'll probably make the playoffs anyway. I mean...Next!

The Snow Geese. What on earth is that Yastrzemski? That may very well be the worst thing I have seen. But everything else...wow. This seems like you've finally turned around. I give 105% credit to Lyle, -10% to JZ, and 5% to Austin Barnes. Excellent work. I know that you may seem a bit bloodied from that brawling from the other NL West sides, but it does seem like you have a run ready. Reverse the spoon curse!

Overall Level of Concern for BSG: Low. Next!

Something smells like whiskey and underperforming. Who else could it be but Mason and the Unicorns? I have no idea what's meant to be going on here. Is there meant to be speed? Defense? Pitching? There's nothing here I can operate on. Honestly I'd trade your horns on the market and you'd still probably only get something like a Christian Walker.

Overall Level of Concern for GLA: F in the chat. Next!

Huh...you look in better shape than I thought you would be, Wichita. You haven't blown a save yet, that's...somewhat shocking, but if you can hold onto these things, I suppose it's positives. You seem to be on the rebound from what I thought would surely be a lost cause. This Peralta issue in your outfield may need some cleansing, but at least it's not the worst case of an outfielder with no bat. And that Harold Castro is a gem. Good job, Plack. Now don't screw it up.

Overall Level of Concern for WWW: Not as much as I thought. Next!

The Zephyr. Last, and thankfully not least. This super pen of yours didn't work out too well for you? Well, I suppose the rest of us didn't like it much either. You seem to be a lot less energetic than before, too. Is it because of this power overdose? I would think so. There's so much home runs and strikeouts going on that your body can't keep up with it. I'd recommend seeing this psychologist, Nick Madrigal. He does wonders with curing Three True Outcirrhosis. It may be a great help to you.

Overall Level of Concern for DEN: Moderately Severe.

And if you cannot be bothered to read through all of my assessments, here's all the teams ranked by my level of concern for their future:

1. WV (Negligible)
2. LMM (Mild)
3. TK (Very Low)
4. BSG (Low)
5. LV (Low-Moderate)
6. QC (They'll probably make the playoffs anyway)
7. WWW (Not as much as I thought)
8. MKE (Moderate)
9. SBB (Average)
10. JJG (Worrisome)
11. PBW (High)
12. DEN (Moderately Severe)
13. SPP (Severe)
14. VA (Grim)
15. FF (Very Grim)
16. DAL (Crisis)
17. GLA (F in the chat)

N/A. YKN (Uncertain)

With that, I do hope you'll visit me again. I need these sorts of checkups to keep living or else Cal will take away my writing privileges. Until then!